Something Personal

So I am starting to work on expressing myself more and becoming more accustomed to closer, intimate contact with boys. I honestly am not fond of either gender, but I love men enough to suffer their presence. Intimacy with guys is a huge goal of mine for this year. I want to work on becoming closer with them and freeing myself from my normally uptight, spaztastic self. I know, I know I shouldn't make my second post about something so personal, but this has been on my mind for a while.

Since I've graduated, I've become more horny more often. So much so I walk around my job in a daze sometimes when it is dead.

I also have been confronted by a number of exes for being "a frigid freak" essentially, to sum it up. One is just so convinced that I never found him attractive which is why I didn't sleep with him. That's not true at all. I had/have my own insecurities and issues to deal with. It was never him. But I am not sure I can convince him otherwise.

Another ex told me that I avoid all physical contact and made our relationship unbearable which is funny because I'm pretty sure we didn't even go out for three months. I was just back from Japan at the time too. Oh well, what can I say.

Needless to say I have been getting more in touch with myself and reaching out to understand who I really am and what I really desire in life with love. So far... all I've discovered is that I really like myself and don't care what my exes think. They aren't going to have any power over what I think and what I feel. That's why they are exes. And I'm sure, any readers are wondering why I still talk to them, and I can easily say that I haven't had any bad breakups besides the first ex. So I'm not worried because these were all life experiences, things to have learned from.

I'm just fed up with creepers trying to "liberate me from my sexuality" and other crap like that. Seriously, just because I choose to stay a virgin does not mean it is an opportunity for you to get a weird look in you eyes, a smirk on your face, and the permission to put your hand on my thighs. It means that if you touch me I can punch your face in and cuss you out before walking away. It is a choice, not anything else for you. It finally got to the point with creepers I had to delete a good portion of Facebook friends or bluntly cut off communications. I even put this post on Facebook: 

"To the next guy who thinks my virginity is his chance to "liberate me" from a "burden," of which is a personal choice, I will punch you. To the next creep who touches me without my permission, I will punch you. And to the next desperado who thinks plying me or any woman in my sight with a lot of alcohol to "loosen her up" will receive a swift kick of justice. Not even a month into the new year and I am disgusted with males already. Bah."

It still miffs me that men think they can just tell me these things without realizing how damaging it can be to my self-esteem and self-image. I understand telling an ex one's thoughts, but you should still reflect on your relationship with them. If they're your friends, don't tell them. If you hate them, why the hell are you bringing it up months or years later? You had your chance, now let it lie in the dust. 

NOTE* I am not looking for someone to sleep with nor am I interested in hooking up with anyone. I am just expressing my frustrations and personal thoughts about my sexuality.

A Fresh Start!

New blog, new start. So I am putting my old blog, "Ryuquir Red," on a temporary hiatus. I have decided that with this new blog I would try to focus on more positive changes in my life and things that catch my interest--No holds barred. This means I plan on covering everything that makes me happy, excited, or enthused about the future whether it be sex, love, employment, or failure. I though I could use this change of pace because I have been stuck in a post-graduation, mid-winter rut that is choking me to death. Now I cannot guarantee every single post will be butterflies and rainbows, but I definitely will do my best to stay positive.

Currently I am working on building up my Etsy Shop, Fainthistle, and actually work on selling all of the various clothes I've crocheted. I am also planning on making an Instagram to keep in touch with some overseas acquaintances. I'm a little shy about the Instagram because I don't like taking photos of my self, but perhaps that is due to my current low self-esteem. I also recently have pro-actively worked on losing weight through calorie counting and working out on the sly at work. This essentially means that because my store is often empty, I just pace around the store until customers come in.

Also in an attempt to improve my looks I have taken up pepto bismol. I heard it does wonders on acne because of its salicylic acid and some other chemicals before I seek out a dermatologist. I already wash my face once daily (because too much washing breaks my skin) with some soap that has actually worked well at preventing most of my breakouts. 

I've bought a container of coconut oil as well to help keep my hair moisturized because it is an arid winter in Minnesota. I am hoping that this will help me keep on growing my hair out long enough to do French braids because, although I love my afro very much, I want some variety without cornrows or weave. To help keep my hair from single strand knots (ssk), I also bought a satin hair cap that is working really well (asides from the days I get too hot and take it off). 

The other day a man, one quite attractive at that, came into my humble souvenir store and flirted with me. He stood really close and I really just wanted a hug from him, though he could tell at the same time I didn't want one (because a lot of customers touch me). He gave me some suggestions about my hair and flirted a helluva lot. I was hoping he'd give me his number or something, but ah well. At least I was decent enough to be flirted with. Most days I've stopped tending to my looks at work because my job somewhat sucks and won't lead me anywhere in life it seems. 

Although my current job isn't ideal, I am applying to EPIK! I'm really excited and have been working quite hard on my job application. I'm very anxious though since I already didn't get into Fulbright or JET.  I will probably just work on applying directly, rather than using a middle-man service provider like Reach-to-Teach or Teachaway because that route is more exaggerated and lengthy. I mean, I could probably use their help, but it says on the EPIK website that everything is delayed that way, and I'm too anxious to wait for a middle-man to relay communications. 

I feel like I want to do a "favorites dump" on here sometime soon, but I'm not sure what to theme it. I have a lot of random things on my favorites that don't have much to do with anything and not sure if I should just do an eclectic one or not. 

Well, thank you for reading, 

Ryuquir