Sex. I Did It.

So about a month ago I had sex for the first time. I didn't want to at first, but I mustered up the courage to go through with it because I succumbed to peer pressure and stupidly thought that this would be a wonderful petty revenge against the last ex who always hounded me for sex. Except.... I really didn't exact a wound on him because I just caved into others pressures and desires which hurt me instead.

There was this French man who was hounding me for the longest of time for sex and just to hang out in general. I really didn't like him because of how pushy and bossy and absurd my conversations and arguments with him had been since he had gotten my number. I think he is ridiculous and shallow for the most part and was undeserving of my virginity. But... because he was persistent and stressing me out, my coworker suggested that maybe he really is a nice guy and we were just having communication issues, him being foreign and all. So I texted him "fine!" when he asked me to hang out that evening. I was already fed up with him that evening, before I had even gotten off work.

He picked me up at the Mall of America and drove us back to work. During my shift he had been texting me the entire time, and yes I know I am wrong for texting on the job, about what I wanted to drink and other small plans. But if I didn't answer he would just spam me with messages until my battery was almost killed. We drove back to his place and arrived close to 11pm. The first thing that I noticed when I walked in was a mattress in the living room and mirrors at the head of the bed. Note, the mattress was on the floor. In the official bedroom there was an air mattress and all of his clothes sparsely filled the closet.There was a bike leaning against the wall that had windows. I sat down at the small kitchen table. We started drinking citrus flavored svedka and talking in depth, mostly small talk about our previous conversations and his misunderstandings. Closer to midnight he fed me fruit and a sandwich, as I hadn't eaten since much earlier that evening and he could hear my stomach. Then he sent me to the bathroom with a towel to shower and make myself more relaxed.

We watched a movie before I crawled into the bed with the mattress, sleepy and very relaxed. He started kissing my face, which made me uncomfortable and I explained to him how it makes me feel claustrophobic. He backed off and started kissing my next and shoulder and chest, helping me struggle out of the very snug t-shirt he lent me to sleep in. I laid back down as his hand wandered into my panties, causing him to start talking dirty. I let him feel me up for a while before I told him I didn't want sex. He asked me why and I told him it was because I was a virgin and inexperienced. He kind of just laughed for a second before telling me  not to worry. I bit my lip because I didn't want sex, but I have been a raging ball of horny hormones for the longest of time. I briefly thought of all the people I did and didn't listen to who suggested I stay a virgin or have sex, as well as all the ex-boyfriends I never slept with.

I panicked and asked him if he would wear a condom and he said he always wears them. He showed me after he put it on and I laid back down. He went back to feeling me up before he positioned himself and rammed the whole thing in on the first try. Stunned, I started stuttering "This." I couldn't even utter the following words. He paused and asked me if I was okay, because I was stuck on the letter T and had started crying. Not flat out bawling, but water ran down from my eyes. He asked again and I took a deep breath and stuttered on practically every letter in "This is my first time." He said "oh" and waited until I stopped panicking and caught my breath before he started thrusting. He didn't really hold back I feel, as he moved me a couple of inches towards the mirror. I whimpered a bit and he shushed me, kissing my face and holding me close, yet I felt the furthest I possibly could from anyone. Each thrust hurt a bit, as he was vigorous and made it deep.

The rocking motion made me sleepy, but the thrusting kept me awake. I was so embarrassed and my face was absurdly red because of the loud slapping noise between our bodies. I was just glad he couldn't see my face and I couldn't see his. When he finally came, he rubbed his groin, still in me, around and almost seemed to come again before he rolled off of me. He laid there for maybe a minute and asked if I wanted a washcloth. I squeaked out a yes and he brought me back one after he'd cleaned himself up in the bathroom. He just threw it at me and it seemed so cold, despite its warmth as it loudly smacked against my thigh. I crawled to the edge of the bed and wobbled to the bathroom, a bit sore and wanting a moment of privacy.

The next morning he scoffed as he really didn't think I was a virgin as he dropped me off at the lightrail. I went to the mall and hopped on a bus to my coworker's home where we spent the rest of the day crafting and had my period begin.

The day after that I spent entirely in bed, as my legs, back, and hips ached tremendously. My grandma thought something was truly wrong because I slept most of the day on and off, but told her I was just tired from running around for two days. He asked me if I wanted to come back over and I said no because 1) it was my period and 2) because he hurt me with such rough sex. Standing hurt and sitting hurt. Lying down was the most comfortable position, but my legs kept falling asleep. The first thing I did was talk to both of my big brothers because I was at a loss for myself and didn't know what else to do.

It took me several arguments to convince him that I was a virgin and I cried to my last ex about the sex and the French man's disbelief in my virginity and overall attitudes towards me. He was really upset at first until I further explained how down on myself I was feeling and why I did it. His face actually started turning red until I started bawling. Again I could feel my brown face turning red and warm in embarrassment.

The next time I went over, I whimpered in pain to the point he yelled at me in frustration because it wasn't well lubricated... not my fault. After that I was done and told him I would never sleep with him again.

Yet... The last time I was over he practically begged for sex, and although he did succeed, he claimed I took advantage of him after he was blackout drunk. But I know he wasn't because he didn't slur any of his words, stumble around, and was nicer than he was sober. The only thing that bothered me was how I had one arm straight above my head and the other was bent down in a V over it with the hand close to the underarm. He was holding onto that hand's wrist and I couldn't move at all until he suddenly rolled me on top of him because I called him a minute-man. He said he could go all night long and I tried, but there wasn't enough lubrication, as well as his... size made me uncomfortable and he laughed and said it was only fifteen before I quit and he rolled back onto me. I asked him how he knew how long it was since I know he didn't look at his phone and he didn't respond... He also said that he would wake me up in the middle of the night to continue, but I know he didn't since I am always a light sleeper at his place.

Since then, we have argued for maybe two or more weeks straight about sex and the fact we aren't in a relationship and how the other lies and and acts like we are in a relationship when we aren't.

OTL... I doubt there will be much change since he insists on talking about all of our arguments, but I do know he will have to either be mighty persuasive or I will have to be really horny and be drinking before he gets laid again. And I don't plan on believing his shit or drinking.

And yes, I know it is super stupid, but I had to put this out there since this is a big step for me and I need to memorialize this for me because it will not be something trivial for me as I barely know him and feel so alone when I am near him....

Thanks for reading....

Something Personal

So I am starting to work on expressing myself more and becoming more accustomed to closer, intimate contact with boys. I honestly am not fond of either gender, but I love men enough to suffer their presence. Intimacy with guys is a huge goal of mine for this year. I want to work on becoming closer with them and freeing myself from my normally uptight, spaztastic self. I know, I know I shouldn't make my second post about something so personal, but this has been on my mind for a while.

Since I've graduated, I've become more horny more often. So much so I walk around my job in a daze sometimes when it is dead.

I also have been confronted by a number of exes for being "a frigid freak" essentially, to sum it up. One is just so convinced that I never found him attractive which is why I didn't sleep with him. That's not true at all. I had/have my own insecurities and issues to deal with. It was never him. But I am not sure I can convince him otherwise.

Another ex told me that I avoid all physical contact and made our relationship unbearable which is funny because I'm pretty sure we didn't even go out for three months. I was just back from Japan at the time too. Oh well, what can I say.

Needless to say I have been getting more in touch with myself and reaching out to understand who I really am and what I really desire in life with love. So far... all I've discovered is that I really like myself and don't care what my exes think. They aren't going to have any power over what I think and what I feel. That's why they are exes. And I'm sure, any readers are wondering why I still talk to them, and I can easily say that I haven't had any bad breakups besides the first ex. So I'm not worried because these were all life experiences, things to have learned from.

I'm just fed up with creepers trying to "liberate me from my sexuality" and other crap like that. Seriously, just because I choose to stay a virgin does not mean it is an opportunity for you to get a weird look in you eyes, a smirk on your face, and the permission to put your hand on my thighs. It means that if you touch me I can punch your face in and cuss you out before walking away. It is a choice, not anything else for you. It finally got to the point with creepers I had to delete a good portion of Facebook friends or bluntly cut off communications. I even put this post on Facebook: 

"To the next guy who thinks my virginity is his chance to "liberate me" from a "burden," of which is a personal choice, I will punch you. To the next creep who touches me without my permission, I will punch you. And to the next desperado who thinks plying me or any woman in my sight with a lot of alcohol to "loosen her up" will receive a swift kick of justice. Not even a month into the new year and I am disgusted with males already. Bah."

It still miffs me that men think they can just tell me these things without realizing how damaging it can be to my self-esteem and self-image. I understand telling an ex one's thoughts, but you should still reflect on your relationship with them. If they're your friends, don't tell them. If you hate them, why the hell are you bringing it up months or years later? You had your chance, now let it lie in the dust. 

NOTE* I am not looking for someone to sleep with nor am I interested in hooking up with anyone. I am just expressing my frustrations and personal thoughts about my sexuality.

A Fresh Start!

New blog, new start. So I am putting my old blog, "Ryuquir Red," on a temporary hiatus. I have decided that with this new blog I would try to focus on more positive changes in my life and things that catch my interest--No holds barred. This means I plan on covering everything that makes me happy, excited, or enthused about the future whether it be sex, love, employment, or failure. I though I could use this change of pace because I have been stuck in a post-graduation, mid-winter rut that is choking me to death. Now I cannot guarantee every single post will be butterflies and rainbows, but I definitely will do my best to stay positive.

Currently I am working on building up my Etsy Shop, Fainthistle, and actually work on selling all of the various clothes I've crocheted. I am also planning on making an Instagram to keep in touch with some overseas acquaintances. I'm a little shy about the Instagram because I don't like taking photos of my self, but perhaps that is due to my current low self-esteem. I also recently have pro-actively worked on losing weight through calorie counting and working out on the sly at work. This essentially means that because my store is often empty, I just pace around the store until customers come in.

Also in an attempt to improve my looks I have taken up pepto bismol. I heard it does wonders on acne because of its salicylic acid and some other chemicals before I seek out a dermatologist. I already wash my face once daily (because too much washing breaks my skin) with some soap that has actually worked well at preventing most of my breakouts. 

I've bought a container of coconut oil as well to help keep my hair moisturized because it is an arid winter in Minnesota. I am hoping that this will help me keep on growing my hair out long enough to do French braids because, although I love my afro very much, I want some variety without cornrows or weave. To help keep my hair from single strand knots (ssk), I also bought a satin hair cap that is working really well (asides from the days I get too hot and take it off). 

The other day a man, one quite attractive at that, came into my humble souvenir store and flirted with me. He stood really close and I really just wanted a hug from him, though he could tell at the same time I didn't want one (because a lot of customers touch me). He gave me some suggestions about my hair and flirted a helluva lot. I was hoping he'd give me his number or something, but ah well. At least I was decent enough to be flirted with. Most days I've stopped tending to my looks at work because my job somewhat sucks and won't lead me anywhere in life it seems. 

Although my current job isn't ideal, I am applying to EPIK! I'm really excited and have been working quite hard on my job application. I'm very anxious though since I already didn't get into Fulbright or JET.  I will probably just work on applying directly, rather than using a middle-man service provider like Reach-to-Teach or Teachaway because that route is more exaggerated and lengthy. I mean, I could probably use their help, but it says on the EPIK website that everything is delayed that way, and I'm too anxious to wait for a middle-man to relay communications. 

I feel like I want to do a "favorites dump" on here sometime soon, but I'm not sure what to theme it. I have a lot of random things on my favorites that don't have much to do with anything and not sure if I should just do an eclectic one or not. 

Well, thank you for reading, 

Ryuquir