So about a month ago I had sex for the first time. I didn't want to at first, but I mustered up the courage to go through with it because I succumbed to peer pressure and stupidly thought that this would be a wonderful petty revenge against the last ex who always hounded me for sex. Except.... I really didn't exact a wound on him because I just caved into others pressures and desires which hurt me instead.
There was this French man who was hounding me for the longest of time for sex and just to hang out in general. I really didn't like him because of how pushy and bossy and absurd my conversations and arguments with him had been since he had gotten my number. I think he is ridiculous and shallow for the most part and was undeserving of my virginity. But... because he was persistent and stressing me out, my coworker suggested that maybe he really is a nice guy and we were just having communication issues, him being foreign and all. So I texted him "fine!" when he asked me to hang out that evening. I was already fed up with him that evening, before I had even gotten off work.
He picked me up at the Mall of America and drove us back to work. During my shift he had been texting me the entire time, and yes I know I am wrong for texting on the job, about what I wanted to drink and other small plans. But if I didn't answer he would just spam me with messages until my battery was almost killed. We drove back to his place and arrived close to 11pm. The first thing that I noticed when I walked in was a mattress in the living room and mirrors at the head of the bed. Note, the mattress was on the floor. In the official bedroom there was an air mattress and all of his clothes sparsely filled the closet.There was a bike leaning against the wall that had windows. I sat down at the small kitchen table. We started drinking citrus flavored svedka and talking in depth, mostly small talk about our previous conversations and his misunderstandings. Closer to midnight he fed me fruit and a sandwich, as I hadn't eaten since much earlier that evening and he could hear my stomach. Then he sent me to the bathroom with a towel to shower and make myself more relaxed.
We watched a movie before I crawled into the bed with the mattress, sleepy and very relaxed. He started kissing my face, which made me uncomfortable and I explained to him how it makes me feel claustrophobic. He backed off and started kissing my next and shoulder and chest, helping me struggle out of the very snug t-shirt he lent me to sleep in. I laid back down as his hand wandered into my panties, causing him to start talking dirty. I let him feel me up for a while before I told him I didn't want sex. He asked me why and I told him it was because I was a virgin and inexperienced. He kind of just laughed for a second before telling me not to worry. I bit my lip because I didn't want sex, but I have been a raging ball of horny hormones for the longest of time. I briefly thought of all the people I did and didn't listen to who suggested I stay a virgin or have sex, as well as all the ex-boyfriends I never slept with.
I panicked and asked him if he would wear a condom and he said he always wears them. He showed me after he put it on and I laid back down. He went back to feeling me up before he positioned himself and rammed the whole thing in on the first try. Stunned, I started stuttering "This." I couldn't even utter the following words. He paused and asked me if I was okay, because I was stuck on the letter T and had started crying. Not flat out bawling, but water ran down from my eyes. He asked again and I took a deep breath and stuttered on practically every letter in "This is my first time." He said "oh" and waited until I stopped panicking and caught my breath before he started thrusting. He didn't really hold back I feel, as he moved me a couple of inches towards the mirror. I whimpered a bit and he shushed me, kissing my face and holding me close, yet I felt the furthest I possibly could from anyone. Each thrust hurt a bit, as he was vigorous and made it deep.
The rocking motion made me sleepy, but the thrusting kept me awake. I was so embarrassed and my face was absurdly red because of the loud slapping noise between our bodies. I was just glad he couldn't see my face and I couldn't see his. When he finally came, he rubbed his groin, still in me, around and almost seemed to come again before he rolled off of me. He laid there for maybe a minute and asked if I wanted a washcloth. I squeaked out a yes and he brought me back one after he'd cleaned himself up in the bathroom. He just threw it at me and it seemed so cold, despite its warmth as it loudly smacked against my thigh. I crawled to the edge of the bed and wobbled to the bathroom, a bit sore and wanting a moment of privacy.
The next morning he scoffed as he really didn't think I was a virgin as he dropped me off at the lightrail. I went to the mall and hopped on a bus to my coworker's home where we spent the rest of the day crafting and had my period begin.
The day after that I spent entirely in bed, as my legs, back, and hips ached tremendously. My grandma thought something was truly wrong because I slept most of the day on and off, but told her I was just tired from running around for two days. He asked me if I wanted to come back over and I said no because 1) it was my period and 2) because he hurt me with such rough sex. Standing hurt and sitting hurt. Lying down was the most comfortable position, but my legs kept falling asleep. The first thing I did was talk to both of my big brothers because I was at a loss for myself and didn't know what else to do.
It took me several arguments to convince him that I was a virgin and I cried to my last ex about the sex and the French man's disbelief in my virginity and overall attitudes towards me. He was really upset at first until I further explained how down on myself I was feeling and why I did it. His face actually started turning red until I started bawling. Again I could feel my brown face turning red and warm in embarrassment.
The next time I went over, I whimpered in pain to the point he yelled at me in frustration because it wasn't well lubricated... not my fault. After that I was done and told him I would never sleep with him again.
Yet... The last time I was over he practically begged for sex, and although he did succeed, he claimed I took advantage of him after he was blackout drunk. But I know he wasn't because he didn't slur any of his words, stumble around, and was nicer than he was sober. The only thing that bothered me was how I had one arm straight above my head and the other was bent down in a V over it with the hand close to the underarm. He was holding onto that hand's wrist and I couldn't move at all until he suddenly rolled me on top of him because I called him a minute-man. He said he could go all night long and I tried, but there wasn't enough lubrication, as well as his... size made me uncomfortable and he laughed and said it was only fifteen before I quit and he rolled back onto me. I asked him how he knew how long it was since I know he didn't look at his phone and he didn't respond... He also said that he would wake me up in the middle of the night to continue, but I know he didn't since I am always a light sleeper at his place.
Since then, we have argued for maybe two or more weeks straight about sex and the fact we aren't in a relationship and how the other lies and and acts like we are in a relationship when we aren't.
OTL... I doubt there will be much change since he insists on talking about all of our arguments, but I do know he will have to either be mighty persuasive or I will have to be really horny and be drinking before he gets laid again. And I don't plan on believing his shit or drinking.
And yes, I know it is super stupid, but I had to put this out there since this is a big step for me and I need to memorialize this for me because it will not be something trivial for me as I barely know him and feel so alone when I am near him....
Thanks for reading....
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